Why It Matters: Curiosity in Challenging Moments 

Summary of Insights 

Curiosity is valuable during challenging moments because it helps educators, leaders, and families pause to better understand children’s behaviors and one another’s experiences. By approaching difficult situations with thoughtful observation and reflection, we can build stronger relationships and create more meaningful solutions.

• Curiosity shifts responses to challenging moments from judgment to understanding.
• Asking questions can help you uncover what children, families, and educators need most, and this blog provides practical examples you can use.
• Curiosity, like observation and formative assessment, supports more intentional teaching and decision-making.
• Approaching challenging situations with curiosity enables us to strengthen relationships while maintaining clear expectations and supportive boundaries.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how easy it is to be curious when things are going well. When children are engaged, when families are responsive, when teachers feel confident and connected, curiosity comes naturally. We notice. We ask questions. We lean in.

It is much harder to stay curious when a moment feels tense. A child melts down during a transition. A family interaction feels short or strained. A teacher tries a strategy more than once and still walks away feeling stuck. In those moments, curiosity is usually not our first instinct. Resolution is. Control is. Sometimes even judgment is. We want to fix the problem. We want to move on. We want things to get back on track. But some of our most important opportunities for curiosity arrive in the middle of the hard moments, not outside of them.

In my earlier post, Why It Matters: Curiosity Over Judgment, I wrote about the importance of approaching children, and really all people, with a genuine desire to understand who they are, what they have experienced, and what they might need. That kind of curiosity matters every day. But challenging moments are where it is truly tested. They are also where it can make the biggest difference.

Because when something feels hard, curiosity has the power to slow us down just enough to see more clearly.

Curiosity changes the story we tell ourselves

In challenging moments, we often create a story very quickly.

• This child is disruptive.
• This family is disengaged.
• This teacher is not effective.
• This behavior is the problem.

Sometimes we do this without even realizing it. Our minds are trying to make sense of what is happening as fast as possible. Curiosity invites us to pause before settling on that first story. It asks us to consider that there may be more to understand.

Consider, for instance, a child whose behavior we find disruptive. When we observe behaviors we find challenging, such as repeatedly interrupting a read-aloud or singing loudly to themselves while other children try to rest during nap time, we can choose the simple story that says the child simply is disruptive and commit to intervening every time, or we can choose to be curious. Why is the child doing these things?

That is one of the things I value most about curiosity. It helps us move from assumption to understanding. And that shift, while small on the surface, can change everything about how we respond.

Children are always telling us something

Young children do not always have the words to explain what they are feeling. They do not always know how to ask for help, express discomfort, or make sense of a strong emotion. But they are still communicating.

• This is too much.
• I do not know what comes next.
• I need connection.
• I do not yet have the skills for this.

When we stay curious, we are more likely to ask questions that help us understand the communication behind the behavior we find challenging.

• What happened right before this?
• What patterns am I noticing over time?
• What skill might this child still be developing?
• What support would help right now?

Those questions help us teach better. They help us respond in ways that are more intentional, more supportive, and more likely to lead to growth.

We can compare using this mindset to understand challenging moments to using formative assessment. Many teachers already use formative assessment, including tools such as GOLD, to help them observe children’s learning with intention, gather documentation over time, and better understand what children know and can do. When we use assessment through the lens of curiosity, we are naturally paying closer attention in order to gather information that will help us to respond more thoughtfully, plan more meaningfully, and support growth in ways that fit the child in front of us.

Curiosity does not mean the absence of boundaries

I think this is important to say clearly. Being curious during challenging moments does not mean becoming passive. It does not mean ignoring behavior. It does not mean removing boundaries or expectations. In fact, curiosity can help us hold boundaries more effectively because it keeps us focused on what the child needs to learn, not just what we need the child to stop doing.

We can be calm and clear. We can be responsive and firm. A curious response might sound like this: “I can see you are upset. I am going to help keep everyone safe. Let’s figure out what you need.”

There is still a boundary there. There is still adult leadership. But there is also empathy, teaching, and relationship. That matters.

Families deserve our curiosity, too

This mindset is just as important in our relationships with families.

Families may be carrying all sorts of things we cannot see right away, such as work demands, transportation issues, stress, financial strain, health concerns, language differences, or difficult past experiences with schools or programs. If an interaction feels brief, tense, or disconnected, it can be tempting to make assumptions. Curiosity gives us another path.

Instead of asking, “Why are they not engaged?,” we might ask, “What might make partnership easier right now?”

Instead of assuming disinterest, we can invite perspective.

• What are you noticing at home?
• What would you like us to understand about your child right now?
• Is there a way of communicating that works best for your family?

Those kinds of questions make room for trust. They let families know they are not being judged from a distance: they are being welcomed into a relationship.

Adults need this kind of curiosity, too

The same is true for the adults in our learning communities. When a teacher is struggling, curiosity helps leaders and coaches move away from blame and toward support. Instead of asking why something is not working, we can ask what the teacher is noticing, what they have already tried, and where they might feel stuck. This shift matters more than we sometimes realize.

Adults, just like children, are more likely to grow when they feel safe enough to reflect honestly. They are more likely to try again when they feel supported instead of scrutinized. Curiosity creates that space.

Sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is pause

Not for long. Just long enough.

Long enough to take a breath. Long enough to ask one better question. Long enough to wonder whether our first interpretation is the full story.

That pause can change what happens next.

• It can help a child feel seen.
• It can help a family feel respected.
• It can help a teacher feel supported.
• It can help us respond with greater purpose and care.

And often, that is where the best next step begins.

A thought to carry with you

The next time you find yourself in a challenging moment, one that feels frustrating, confusing, or simply hard, it may help to ask, “What else might be true here?”

I think that is one of the most powerful questions that curiosity gives us. Not because it solves everything immediately, because it does not. But because it keeps us open. It keeps us learning. It keeps us connected to the humanity of the child, the family, or the colleague in front of us.